as the hours go by

The water leaks through my closed window, and I close my eyes and drift away. Behind my closed lids, I'm not alone; I'm not empty. I'm whole; I'm safe. The gentle sound of her breathing is soothing, drawing me closer to her, calming my frayed nerves and singing a lullaby to my heart. I'm in heaven. My arms are wrapped around an angel. Her hair is in my face, my breath on her cheek. I never want to leave, never want to move.

10:00 P.M

The clock sounds, dragging my life along like sticky syrup as time passed. I will it to speed up. Time must hate me because it only seemed to go by slower. Outside of my leaking window, a storm growls at me. I imagine it baring its sharp teeth at me, gnashing its mighty jaws and flexing its eager talons. I squeeze my eyes shut. No, no, no. A spark of fear ignites in my heart, opening a floodgate of pictures of the past that piece my mind as if it were made of paper. I rub my arms, where the memories of countless bruises still linger like shadows upon my skin. Without her I feel dirty, I feel sick. I feel covered with ash and grim, coated so many times over that the true me is impossible to see. I'm disgusting and filthy. What does she even see in me? I bury my face in my hands and let the tears wash my cheeks.

11:00 P.M

My fingers are on her neck, tracing hearts along her exposed skin. My lips caress along her jaw line. She murmurs my name in her soft, sweet voice and a smile tugs at my lips. With my arms still around her, she turns over to her other side, facing me now. She yawns big, her eyelids still dropping, thick with sleep's gentle potion. My tummy does flips as she yawns. My beautiful little girl…. I take her face in my hands and kiss her nose. Her fingers find the collar of my shirt, hold me close, leaning her forehead against my collarbone. I brush the hair from her face ever so gently and kiss the top of her head.

12:00 P.M

He grips my arm and shakes me, his hands hard oh my skin. He's yelling but the words are muted like I'm in a dream. I try to say something, to make him understand that I didn't mean to. My words only earn me a stinging blow in the face and I flinch away from him. He squeezes my arms, imprinting his hands on me in large bruises. I squirm at the pain and pled with him to let me go. He shoves me hard against the wall and strikes my face again. I'm crying with pain and fear. I move to escape from him, but he aims a kick at my leg and I stumble to the ground. Tears rolling down my cheeks, I try to crawl away but he slams his foot down on my leg. I scream in pain. He's smiling; I can see it though the tears. Leaning forward, he grabs my face and squeezes, the smell of his drunken breath making me sick. "Are you going to do it again?" he asks and I shake my head furiously through the tears. Letting go of me, he walks away smiling and I'm left to limp to my room and address the wounds that he forced upon my skin.

1:00 A.M

Angry thunder screams as the storm grows. The storm in my head responds with cackling lightning, searing my mind. Shaking with fear, I pull my legs up to my chest and bury my face in her sweatshirt. I imagine her next to me. I imagine her comforting words. I imagine our arms around each other. I hold on tight to my fantasy and squeeze my eyes shut…. The thunder roars and I jump. My breathing picks up and my heart aches with each breath. Breathe. Wince. Breathe. Wince. The tears roll down my cheeks, washing me away, wasting me away. I press a hand to my heart, pain blazing underneath my palm with each slow, sluggish beat. If she were here, she would wisp the pain away with her perfect touch, would calm my fearful mind with the perfect words. But she wasn't here… she wasn't here…. But I was waiting.

2:00 A.M

I wait.
The storm booms.
I shake.
My mind is uneasy.
I wait.
My eyes droop.
I cry.
I wait.
I wait.

I know she won't come but I still wait.

3:00 A.M

My vision is cloudy. My mind is slow. My cheeks are wet with tears. But I only feel more disgusting. My heart is throbbing. I feel the beats slowing down. I close my eyes. I yearn for her. I miss her. I cry. I wait. The storm continues outside. It's even more fearsome in my heart. I swallow. I continue to wait, my eyes closed, as the water leaks through my closed window until I drift away into sleep.